Food and cooking, as much as we like to think it’s a culinary art, sometimes has disastrous consequences; other times, it’s just plain funny.
Especially when you consider the many personalities who have brought cooking to the fore, there inevitably are going to be some priceless quotes that emerge.
Here is a collection of some of the funniest, wittiest and brutally accurate cooking quotes, which sum up all things culinary in a quick quote.
“The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”
Julia Child
As an advocate of traditional French cuisine, Julia Child held French cooking values close to her heart. Any suggestion of diet food was entirely against her principles of natural, freshly cooked food using local produce.
Quite rightly, she points out the only use, if any at all, for it is a snack while waiting for the main event to be finished.
“I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.”
W.C. Fields
W.C. Fields’ comic wit, renowned for having a penchant for alcohol, shines through with this example and probably sums up how many of us cook at home too. Indeed, it’s the source of many culinary inspirations, no?
“Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.”
Fran Lebowitz
We all know salads can be divine and delicious if done correctly, with a good dressing and exciting accompaniments. Still, as Fran Lebowitz rightly points out, a plain carrot will never excite anyone but a rabbit.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
Miss Piggy always has a sound opinion on all important, burning life questions. But this may be my favorite pearl of wisdom from my favorite girly Muppet. But, first, I’d better get to the gym to be able to lift more sharpish…
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
Tom Smothers
Everything in moderation, that’s for sure. But red meat isn’t going to do any harm in the right proportion, and as Tom Smothers rightly points out, blue-green meat is never a good sign.
“The worst food you’ll ever eat will probably be prepared by a ‘cook’ who calls himself a ‘chef.’ Mark my words.”
Alton Brown
Alton Brown should know that being a prominent celebrity chef, he turns his critical eye to having a swipe at the increasing tendency for cooks to give themselves the prestigious chefs before deserving the accolade in one definitive swoop.
“I can cook, but I also want everything to look beautiful on the plate – then I get upset when people eat it. Everyone just tears through it, and that makes me sad. It’s not a rewarding experience for me to cook.”
Megan Fox
Megan Fox, I feel your pain. I’ve been there myself. After spending hours slaving away in the kitchen, the fruits of my long and arduous labor is gone instantly, and the gratification doesn’t make up for it. Although, I’d slightly disagree with it not being a rewarding cooking experience.
“Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.”
Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Wise words from Jean-Jacques Rousseau. This really is the definition of happiness. Although my bank balance is somewhat lacking, my cooking and consumption skills make up for it.
“And I don’t cook, either. Not as long as they still deliver pizza.”
Tiger Woods
As much as I preach the word of cooking, there are going to be some unconverted non-believers who will never see the light. Tiger Woods is one fine example, although he does have a point – takeaway pizza is great too.
“At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.”
Salvador Dalí
Regarding the great Salvador Dalí, cooks worldwide should feel blessed that being a cook even made the long, lofty list of the artist’s ambitions in the first place. While he may not have quite become Napoleon, he became one of the world’s most celebrated artists. I can only imagine what he might have been like if he had turned his hand to cooking professionally…
“My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”
Rodney Dangerfield
You’ve got to love a good cooking pun and this one from Rodney Dangerfield definitely tickled me.
“Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Do not overdo it.”
Lao Tzu
Even world leaders acknowledge that great cooking can do as it seems to offer leadership advice for great philosopher and poet Lao Tzu.
“You know, nobody can ever cook as good as your mama.”
Paula Deen
Paula Deen hits the nail on the head. There is nothing better and more comforting than your mother’s home cooking. When in an hour of need or during a bout of homesickness, it’s more often than not that you find yourself craving your mother’s culinary specialty.
Whether it’s a roast, lasagne, shepherd’s pie, or mashed potato, they have medicinal qualities. However, science hasn’t backed this affirmation up yet.
“I’m the kind of girl who thinks about what she’s gonna cook for dinner when she’s finishing her lunch.”
Padma Lakshmi
Me too, Padma Lakshmi. I think along the same lines. Besides, what other way do you have to motivate yourself through the day than knowing a great dinner awaits?
“Custard is controversial: what makes it a custard, how best to cook it and, crucially, is it to be eaten or put in a pie and thrown?”
Yontam Ottolenghi
I quite enjoy Yontam Ottolenghi’s take on the custard argument. However, I would rather eat it than waste it on someone’s face.
“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.”
Ernestine Ulmer
When in doubt, always eat pudding. Thanks to Ernestine Ulmer, I think this is a pearl of wisdom we can abide by.
“I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.”
Nora Ephron
Eating potatoes should never be regretted, as Nora Ephron rightly points out.
“I wish my stove came with a ‘Save As Button’ like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”
Jarod Kintz
I think a ‘Save As Button’ would be all the rage if it existed, as writer Jarod Kintz suggests. If only it did exist, we would be able to experiment to our heart’s content if it did exist. But, unfortunately, I know for sure I’d be at the front queue if it were to be released for the cooking masses.
“He’d noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: it fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were really hungry they created vast banquets in their imagination – but at the end of the day they’d settle quite happily for egg and chips. If it was well done and maybe had a slice of tomato.”
Terry Pratchett
Now you’ve got us craving egg and chips, Terry Pratchett.
“Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I’m cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.”
Calvin and Hobbes
Some classic comic wit from Calvin and Hobbes again uses a great culinary pun for our amusement.
“Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans … are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit.”
Anthony Bourdain
Anthony Bourdain has never been one to shy away from sharing his opinion and this tirade on vegetarians and vegans is no exception. Although I have to say when vegetarian and vegan cooking is done right, I’d beg to differ.
“Anyone who thinks they’re too grown up or too sophisticated to eat caramel corn, is not invited to my house for dinner”
Ruth Reichl
Quite rightly so, Ruth Reichl. As much as I love opulent, 5-star dining, I also like childhood classics which I know are wrong but taste so good – potato smilies, I’m looking at you.
“Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed — eh bien, tant pis! Usually one’s cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, as my ersatz eggs Florentine surely were, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile — and learn from her mistakes.”
Julia Child
Once again, Julia Child speaks sense regarding cooking – we are our worst critics.
“Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti.”
Sophia LoreN
Italian starlet Sophia Loren attributed her natural beauty to the infamous Italian diet staple – pasta. So you had better make some spaghetti Bolognese pronto if you want to be in with a chance of emulating the same beauty as the stunning Hollywood star.
“Cheese, milk’s leap towards immortality.”
Clifton Fadiman
How grateful we are for milk’s leap towards immortality, as rightfully pointed out by Clifton Fadiman.
“We all eat and it would be a wasted opportunity if we ate badly.”
Anna Thomas
As it’s a daily occurrence, we may as well make the most of eating and I couldn’t agree more with cook Anna Thomas.
“What I say is that, if a man really likes potatoes, he must be a pretty decent sort of fellow.”
A.A. Milne
I like to think appreciation of potatoes is a test of someone’s character, much like world-renowned writer A.A. Milne.
“Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup.”
Henry James
I have to say, as sinful as it sounds, ketchup really can boost a lot of meals, so writer and philosopher Henry James has a point. Unfortunately, however, it doesn’t just ring true for Americans.
“Ice cream is exquisite, what a pity it isn’t illegal.”
Voltaire
In the great words of philosopher Voltaire, ice cream is so good it shouldn’t be legally available. But, luckily for all of us, it is.
“People who love to eat are always the best people.”
Julia Child
It’s no mere coincidence that Julia Child has featured prominently on this list as her musings on cooking and food are a big hit. I agree, too, as I don’t understand people who ‘eat to live.’
“I’ve long believed that good food, good eating, is all about risk. Whether we’re talking about unpasteurized Stilton, raw oysters or working for organized crime ‘associates,’ food, for me, has always been an adventure.”
Anthony Bourdain
It’s easy to see why Anthony Bourdain has scoured high and low traveling to further his art of cooking when for him and many of us, food is an adventure. However, I’d prefer to do it without working for organized crime associates and stick to tasting as much tasty food as possible.
“No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.”
Channing Pollock
As Channing Pollock shrewdly points out, it takes motivation and perseverance to eat only one whole peanut. Although unfortunately, I’m not that courageous. Pass me the peanuts.
“After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual “food” out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps.”
Miss Piggy
Miss Piggy is the food critic in the Muppets crew as she was the source for this gem as well as her previously infamous “Never eat more than you can lift” quote. However, she evidently isn’t a big fan of artichokes and god forbid if anyone dared to serve Miss Piggy some!
“Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.”
Fran Lebowitz
Fran Lebowitz wasn’t happy with stopping at carrots. She thinks vegetables aren’t much to shout home about unless they have meat alongside them.
“In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.”
José Simon
Comedian José Simon wasn’t a fan of sushi.
“Hey yogurt, if you’re so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?”
Stephen Colbert
Another great food-based pun that I am a fan of. I love this one from Stephen Colbert.
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
Calvin Trillin’s
We know the feeling. Our mothers were aces at using leftovers too. But Calvin Trillin’s mother was evidently a whizz in the kitchen if it still tasted good thirty years on!
“Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.”
Ambrose Bierce
Now it’s time for custard to be scrutinized and it’s evident that Ambrose Bierce was not its biggest fan.
“As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.”
Joan Grussow
Joan Grussow makes her opinion clear on the margarine versus butter debate.
“The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.”
George Miller
As rightly pointed out by George Miller, it’s an inevitable reality that Italians don’t do small portions.
“I’ll bet what motivated the British to colonize so much of the world is that they were just looking for a decent meal.”
Martha Harrison
It seems to be a favorite hobby of Americans to criticize British cuisine, as Martha Harrison appears to take great pleasure in doing so.
“You can tell how long a couple has been married by whether they are on their first, second or third bottle of Tabasco.”
Bruce Bye
Such is the spiciness of Tabasco. According to Bruce Bye, you can tell the longevity of a couple’s marriage by finding how many bottles of Tabasco sauce they’ve had.
“Fish, to taste right, must swim three times — in water, in butter and in wine.”
Polish Proverb
This Polish proverb understands precisely how a fish needs to swim to taste just right.
“It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate – you know someone’s fingers have been all over it.”
Julia Child
That’s the disparaging thoughts of no other than Julia Child on the nouvelle cuisine trend. Which no doubt were entirely against the values of traditional French cooking she had spent years perfecting.
“Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
Alex Levine
Alex Levine should know, as he was Irish. Irish coffee is a perfectly balanced beverage with all the vitamins and nutrients a person needs to get them through the day.
“Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields once again would have been struggling to survive without any wine and living on just food and water is clearly a catastrophe.
“The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it.”
Andy Rooney
Andy Rooney makes a wise observation, although I prefer to buy cookbooks and forget about the diet.
“Dear God, for what we are about to receive may the lord not kill me with food poisoning”
“Right, well I will get you more pumpkin and I’ll ram it right up your f***ing arse. Would you like it whole or diced?”
Gordon Ramsay
A hilarious cooking quotes list will be somewhat amiss if Gordon Ramsay doesn’t make the list. Renowned for his scathing, foulmouthed putdowns, his colorful character makes shows such as Hell’s Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares mesmerizingly watchable.
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘Breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Steven Wright
Well, it does say breakfast at any time, so what was comic Steven Wright meant to do?
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”
Mae West
I like Mae West’s way of thinking. Calorie counting isn’t worth the hassle, especially when there are other more exciting things to occupy yourself with.
“My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.”
Orson Welles
Sadly, the secret to a balanced diet is moderation and as Orson Welles discovered, having meals for four people to yourself isn’t the right way of going about it.
“I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.”
George W. Bush
There have to be some perks to being the leader of the most powerful country in the world. For George W. Bush, it transpires not having to eat his least favorite vegetable was one of them.
“Burgundy makes you think of silly things; Bordeaux makes you talk about them, and Champagne makes you do them.”
Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
Being a world-renowned gourmet connoisseur Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin should know, but I quite like this little wine analogy.
“I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.”
Joe E. LewiS
Joe E. Lewis didn’t think much of cutting out food and wine, which he derived great joy from. To be honest, I wouldn’t either.
“I hate people who are not serious about their meals.”
Julia Child
I think that Oscar Wilde and Julia Child would have gotten on very well, considering their love for food and France, had they both been alive at the same time. The above quote is very similar to Child’s “People who love to eat are always the best people.”
“Rice is good to eat when you’re really hungry and want to eat a thousand of something.”
Mitch Hedberg
We’ve all experienced the same thing as American comic Mitch Hedberg, we’ve gone to cook rice for one person and it turns out I’m feeding the five thousand.
“Beware of girls who don’t like wine, truffles, cheese, or music.”
Colette
Clearly, such types who don’t find great joy in the above things are to be distrusted, as pointed out by French writer Colette.
“Food is an important part of a balanced diet”
Fran Lebowitz
Fran Lebowitz again turns her dry wit to food and rightly emphasizes that food is a critical element of a balanced diet.
“If you don’t want to use butter, then use cream!”
Julia Child
The last quote has to go to the culinary queen Julia Child. She probably comes out as the most frequently quoted person throughout this piece. Her sharpness and wit were unrivaled when it came to food and Julia Child is a big miss in the culinary world. However, no one quite hits the nail on the head as Julia Child did.
